Dear Reader, the day has finally arrived. I have in my hot little hands a copy of Twin Peaks: The Entire Mystery and believe me when I say I will be watching the living shit out of this wonderful series, as well as the movie and the hours of special features over the coming weeks, and expect to see a lot of reviews and discussion right here at The Dukes Playground.
Make sure to enjoy with a damn fine cup of coffee.
Dear Reader, it was fun while it lasted, but unfortunately, as you may well have noticed, we have to end the podcast experiment that was Four Finger Spatchcock. Due to a change in circumstances, my recording partner and I have parted ways, and as such, will no longer be creating this little piece of magic. Stay tuned though, as I hope to be working on a new podcast in the future. Thank you for listening, and until next time, a bird in the hand is worth a hand in the bird.
Do you enjoy Game of Thrones? Do you watch Tyrion Lannister indulge himself in glass after glass of wine (when he can tear himself away from some delicious King’s Landing T&A, that is), and think to yourself “I want me some of that” (the wine I mean, not Tyrion, although if that’s your kink, then game on)? Well, pretty soon, you can get some of that.
The Wines of Westeros is a project by an Australian agency that will be offering 12 wines representing 12 houses that appear on the show, and they will be available in time for when the 5th season of Game of Thrones begins. Dear Reader, I’m not much of a wine connoisseur myself, I’m more of a beer or bourbon drinker, but I think I can see myself buying a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc representing House Stark. I just hope I won’t lose my head in the process. It’s also pretty boss that if you look closely, the bottles are measured not in standard drinks, but in standard goblets. Too cool. Which of these wines interest you? Let’s get drunk and talk about it, shall we?
And just in case you’re interested in Game of Thrones for other reasons, I will leave you with this. Don’t say I don’t give you nice things.
I am in no way a religious man, Dear Reader, but I do feel that the Apocalypse predicted in the Book of Revelation may soon be upon us. Glee, one of the single worst shows in the history of television, that has for too long dominated not just the television landscape but the music charts and the pop culture landscape in general, is premiering its new season with a Beatles tribute episode.
It’s bad enough that this piece of shit show has already broken Billboard records long held by The Beatles, but now to add insult to injury, they’re going to be using their show to further fuck the music world forever.
John Lennon reacting to the news from beyond the grave
How this show is still even popular is beyond me. I always thought it was going to be one of those massive fads that enters pop culture regularly that is massive for awhile, then fucks off quickly, like Jersey Shore or One Direction or some such shit. Especially since the main cast finished high school, and they had to bring in fresh faces (to the best of my knowledge, anyway). Fuck, even one of the main cast members (sadly) committed suicide only a couple of months ago. But the show is about to start its fifth season, and ready to commit its highest atrocity thus far, even worse than the time they fucked with Rocky Horror.
Dave Grohl, of Nirvana and Foo Fighters fame, put it best when he mouthed off about Glee:
It’s every band’s right, you shouldn’t have to do fucking Glee. And then the guy who created Glee is so offended that we’re not, like, begging to be on his fucking show… fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee
Well said, Dave, well fucking said.
If you want a reason to vomit, check out the absolutely awful promo below. But please, Dear Reader, just watch that, and leave it at that. PLEASE do not actually watch the whole show. Let’s try and end this shit.
The vaccination debate has been picking up a lot of steam here in Australia recently. There are two major sides of the debate. There are the pro-vaccination people, who have a desire to keep not just their children but all other children safe and healthy and have strong, solid scientific research behind them. Then you have the anti-vaccination people, who believe that vaccinations are dangerous and toxic, they can cause autism in children (despite the fact that the chemical in vaccinations that they claim causes autism has since been removed), make their claims based on outdated and non-scientific data, and have this fucking moron as one of their ambassadors:
I guess I can kind of see why people might pay attention to what she has to say…
And now the war has really begun. This week, new laws have been introduced in my home state of New South Wales that can see childcare centres fined up to $4000 if they enrol a child who has not been vaccinated. This is a move designed to protect those who have been vaccinated from risk of disease by being surrounded by those who haven’t. It’s a move I applaud, because it takes pretty big balls to introduce a law that could be perceived as taking away people’s freedoms. But this is more about protecting those who do the right thing.
But unfortunately, there’s an organisation in this country called the Australian Vaccination Network (AVN). Despite what their name would suggest, they’re actually an anti-vaccination lobby group, formed in 1994 by Meryl Dorey, a fucking cunt of the highest order.
Dear Meryl. Fuck you.
Since the new laws have been introduced, Meryl Dorey has been encouraging parents to join The Church of Conscious Living. You see, these new laws, like many laws, do not apply to those practicing a religion or following religious beliefs that are contrary to what the law dictates. The Church of Conscious Living was formed in 2008 with the express purpose of making themselves exempt from vaccinations and vaccination laws. This means that those who are members of this “church” can choose to not vaccinate, and still have their children attend schools with those who have been vaccinated.
Unfortunately, this means that the government’s hands are tied. Health Minister Jillian Skinner was forced to admit as much, as the government cannot interfere with people’s religious beliefs. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Oh, except for one thing. How the FUCK were the Church of Conscious Living given a religious status? They have publicly stated they started the church just to get out of vaccinations, so what the fuck?
Dear Reader, please understand, for those out there that do believe vaccinations are dangerous, that’s fine. You’re fucking wrong, and you’re a fucking idiot, but that’s fine. But here’s where the problem is. To force that bullshit upon your children is fucked up. And to put other people’s children at risk of health problems, or potentially even death, because you’re a moron, is really fucked up. And to go so far as to fake a religion just so you can get out of listening to scientists and doctors, who do this shit for a fucking living, and choosing to listen to pieces of shit like Jenny McCarthy and Meryl Dorey instead, and sending your children, who were unfortunate enough to be the end product of your fornication, into the world to potentially infect themselves and others around them, is really, REALLY fucked up.
It’s bad enough like organistations like the AVN and the Church of Conscious Living exist, but when they’re forcing their beliefs on others, and even putting others at risk, fuck ’em.
I prefer this AVN anyway.
I can only hope that this “church” can have their religious status taken away so this shit can go away. Thankfully, there is the Stop the Australian Vaccination Network, who are fighting against these arseholes, and helping to spread the truth about vaccinations. Vaccinations save lives, and admittedly, there are a small amount of potential risks, but they’re nothing compared to the risks to those who aren’t vaccinated.
Spread the word, Dear Reader, and let’s help end this bullshit.
William Moody, or as he’s better known in the world of wrestling as the legendary Paul Bearer, has passed away, age 58.
Dear Reader, I have been a big professional wrestling fan ever since I was a little Duke. Granted, I don’t watch too much of it these days, as the talent they have is nothing like what it used to be, the violence has been toned down extremely to create a more family-friendly vibe, and, maybe most importantly, hardly anyone in the WWE can act. Occasionally, a brilliant match will come along that you can show to people and say “see, this is why wrestling is awesome”, like the 10 out of 10, fucking brilliant match between the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XXV (seriously, please, go check that shit out), but for the most part, wrestling has gotten pretty lame. But when I was growing up in the 90’s, fuck, wrestling was awesome. I loved watching all the great WWF (and it’s still WWF to me, fuck calling it WWE) superstars battle it out in the ring, and no wrestler was greater to me than the Undertaker. The guy was huge, and could destroy anybody in his path. But a large part of the appeal of the Undertaker was thanks to his manager, Paul Bearer.
Paul Bearer was funny as hell, and even better, he was really fucking weird. I suppose the world of professional wrestling is pretty weird in general (they had characters with names like Mr. Ass, after all), but Paul Bearer took that shit to a whole new level. Actually, looking back on it, I’d say watching him in action shaped a lot of the surreal sense of humour that I have today. There has never been a better manager in the history of professional wrestling, and I doubt there ever will be again.
Hello, Dear Reader, it is I, The Duke here, to discuss with you the 85th Academy Awards, set to air on the 24th of February, so it’s just a short wait now. Of course, I haven’t seen every movie, so my predictions are pretty baseless, but if I’m right on most of these, I am going to celebrate my own genius with a six-pack of Tooheys Extra Dry, and a bunch of drunken “I told you so” moments to anyone who is unfortunate to listen. I’m not going to talk about every single category, because honestly, what the fuck do I know about things like Film Editing, or Makeup and Hairstyling? You can spot bad work in these categories from a mile off, but when you’re talking about the cream of the crop, it’s really anybody’s game, right? I’ll definitely talk about the big 5 (Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Screenplay, and Directing) and a few others that spark my interest.
So I present to you hear, Dear Reader, the completely baseless 2013 Academy Award predictions, brought to you by The Dukes Playground.
Best Picture Amour Argo Beasts Of The Southern Wild Django Unchained Les Misérables Life Of Pi Lincoln Silver Linings Playbook Zero Dark Thirty
I’m gonna have to go for Argo on this one. Argo was a fucking awesome movie, and is picking up a whole bunch of awards from other shows. And how can you not dig Affleck’s Ellis from Die Hard look? Yep, this one should go to Argo.
Best Actor
Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln
Hugh Jackman for Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix for The Master
Denzel Washington for Flight
The safe money is probably on Daniel Day-Lewis for this one, but Lincoln was a boring movie, even though Daniel Day-Lewis killed it. So I have to go for Joaquin Phoenix in The Master. His performance is funny, sad, genuine, just perfect. Hell, he deserves to win just for this scene alone:
Best Actress
Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook Emmanuelle Riva for Amour Quvenzhané Wallis for Beasts Of The Southern Wild Naomi Watts for The Impossible
Ok, Dear Reader, I’ll be honest. I haven’t seen a single one of these movies, so I have no fucking clue. Everyone seems to be saying Jennifer Lawrence will take this one, but I’m going to go with Naomi Watts in The Impossible for this category. Why? Because I loved Mulholland Drive, and I hated The Hunger Games. It’s not a great reason, but hey, it’s probably a better tactic for selection than what the people who actually vote for the winners must use, considering some of the horrible winners we’ve had in the past. I’m looking at you, Shakespeare In Love.
Best Directing
Michael Haneke for Amour Benh Zeitlin for Beasts Of The Southern Wild Ang Lee for Life Of Pi Steven Spielberg for Lincoln David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook
The fact that Affleck wasn’t nominated for Argo is simply digusting, so I honestly don’t give a fuck about this category. I’m just going with David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook because the guy has a famously short temper, and I’d hate for him to get up on the stage and beat the shit out of whoever beats him. Actually scratch that, that might make the show fun to watch for once…
Steven Spielberg for Best Director!
Best Original Screenplay
Michael Haneke for Amour Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained John Gatins for Flight Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola for Moonrise Kingdom Mark Boal for Zero Dark Thirty
This one is a no-brainer. It has to be Quentin Tarantino. Say what you want about his movies, the mother fucker know how to write, and how to entertain. Besides, you don’t want to make the Coke Wizard that tells Quentin what to do angry…
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz for DjangoUnchained. Christoph Waltz could film himself eating a sandwich, and he would deserve an Oscar. The guy is incredible. Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams for TheMaster. An understated performance. Deserves a nod. Best Animated Feature Film:ParaNorman. Aside from Brave, which is one of the few movies Pixar missed the mark on, this is a tough category. I think Frankenweenie might just get the win, but I would have to go with ParaNorman. It was funny, it was scary, it had heart, but most importantly, it had fucking balls. Considering it’s the first mainstream children’s animated film to have an openly gay character, it deserves the Oscar just for showing some fucking guts. Best Original Song: “Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from Ted, by Walter Murphy & Seth MacFarlane, performed by Norah Jones. Yep, the guy who created Family Guy of all things, is nominated for an Oscar. And you know what? I think he should win. Ted was actually a really fucking good movie. Funny as hell, and it had a beautiful story. And this song, as sung by Norah Jones, is just gorgeous. Best Animated Short Film:Paperman. This was shown in theatres in front of Wreck-ItRalph, and I absolutely loved it. It has no dialogue, is only about 5 minutes long, and still manages to tell a very sweet love story. Best Adapted Screenplay: David Magee for Life Of Pi. The movie had its flaws to be sure, and the ambiguity didn’t translate to screen as well as one would hope, but David Magee still managed to take a book that most people would have said was unfilmable, and managed to turn it into a pretty compelling screenplay.
Well that’s it from me, Dear Reader. Who do you think will be winning all the big awards on the night? Or, more importantly, do you even give a fuck? Hit me up in the comments, and let’s discuss this shit.
Oscar Pistorius is a Paralympics legend (as you may have guessed from the above picture, he’s missing a couple of things). The man has taken home gold in several different running events over the years, and all whilst running in the T44 races. T44 races are normally reserved for single below knee amputees, but Oscar is a double below knee amputee, which means he should be in the T43 races. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t really know if he has an advantage or not, because of that. Maybe it would be easier to be running of two of those sticks, instead of just one? Personally, I need to know where to sign up for the three-legged races, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, Dear Reader, this is all beside the point. I just wanted you to have a bit of background information on this man, who has made, let’s just say, a slight error. Well, if you can classify shooting and killing your girlfriend a slight error. Maybe gigantic fucking disaster would be more accurate.
Oscar’s case is in court now, and he has already admitted his guilt… kind of. He’s admitted to shooting and killing his girlfriend, smoking hot South African model Reeva Steenkamp, but his version of events is a little unusual. Oscar says he heard something go bump in the night, and he believed there was an intruder in the house. He says he was too scared to yell out, or turn on the lights, or any of that conventional bullshit. Instead, he leaped to the obvious conclusion that what he should do, is grab the gun that he keeps under his bed, go into the bathroom where the noise was coming from, and begin firing shots into the closed toilet door. A sample of Pistorius’ affidavit can be found here.
Such a waste of sexy.
Dear Reader, I’m a married man. I understand that it may be a bit hard to act rationally when faced with the panic of someone breaking into your home while you are there, but that being said, if I was in bed and I thought I heard someone in the house, the first fucking thing I would do is check to see if my wife was OK. And also, why the fuck would an intruder be sitting on the toilet with the door locked? I have heard many a tale of people shitting in the toilet of the house they have broken into, due to nerves or whatever. But why would they bother locking the door, or even closing it? And if the intruder was in the toilet, Oscar had them cornered, with a FUCKING GUN! It didn’t cross his mind for one second to just say “I have a gun, identify yourself or I will fire” instead of just blasting away?
I suppose that this could have all been a tragic accident. It absolutely could have happened the way Oscar said it happened. But come on, folks, it seems pretty fucking unlikely. The story just doesn’t add up. I will concede that if Pistorius had some kind of mental deficiency, instead of just a physical ailment, then perhaps he would be stupid enough to fire bullets into a door before checking if his girlfriend was around. But two missing legs do not equal a loss of brain function. With Reeva Steenkamp now tragically deceased, I guess there’s only one person who really knows the truth.
So what do you think, Dear Reader? Do you think Oscar Pistorius has committed cold-blooded murder, or is he just an very unfortunate idiot? Hit me up in the comments below.
If you’re a fan of horror, which if you’re reading The Dukes Playground you must be, Dear Reader, as the quality of the writing is downright horrific in its own way, then you will love these sites brought to you by a good friend of The Duke, who you should trust, as I have never steered you wrong.
First there is Aloha, Mister Hand, a WordPress site primarily dedicated to the wonderful world of the horror film, with some extra excellence covering other topics as well.
And, just recently added to the roster, is the partnering Facebook page, Last Page on the Left which, although it has only just started, is a great page to check out and interact with the writer and the fans. Here’s hoping we can build it up and create a great community of horror fans to build up some great content in the future!
Be sure to check out my Links page at the top of The Dukes Playground as well if you’re looking for these sites again in the future.
Honestly, Dear Reader, I can’t shit on the Twilight series as much as others might. I haven’t read the books, and have no intention of reading them, but I have seen all the movies, aside from the last one, and they’re surprisingly not awful. Long and rather boring, more often than not. Sloppily written, definitely. Poor acting, well, we all know about that. They’re certainly not good, but they’re not pieces of shit either. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that Eclipse was very close to being a decent movie. All that being said, Twilight definitely does its fair share of haters, so this one’s for you.
News has recently surfaced over an incident which happened in 2010, where a homeless New Zealand man snuck into a cinema for a screening of Eclipse, and during the course of the movie, drank himself to death. While I certainly don’t want to make light of something so horrible, it must be said that if a Twilight movie is bad enough to cause a young man to end his life while watching it, then surely the posters shoud have health warnings on them. And it is pretty funny that the guy snuck into the cinema, so they didn’t even get any money out of the guy. He could at least have paid the price of admission before he paid the ultimate price.
And the series isn’t even safe from the people involved in its success. Robert Pattinson, a.k.a. Edward Cullen, a.k.a. the man who makes all the teen girls ginies tingle, is clearly not a fan. That’s been obvious for a long time, but now we have this excellent supercut of the times where he has publicly bagged out the series. Check it out:
So there you have it. Before you go out and watch Breaking Dawn: Part II, perhaps you should reconsider, and go see Argo or Dredd, now also in cinemas. Apparently, they’re quite good, and hopefully you won’t want to kill yourself while watching them.