Hello, Dear Reader, it is I, The Duke here, to discuss with you the 85th Academy Awards, set to air on the 24th of February, so it’s just a short wait now. Of course, I haven’t seen every movie, so my predictions are pretty baseless, but if I’m right on most of these, I am going to celebrate my own genius with a six-pack of Tooheys Extra Dry, and a bunch of drunken “I told you so” moments to anyone who is unfortunate to listen. I’m not going to talk about every single category, because honestly, what the fuck do I know about things like Film Editing, or Makeup and Hairstyling? You can spot bad work in these categories from a mile off, but when you’re talking about the cream of the crop, it’s really anybody’s game, right? I’ll definitely talk about the big 5 (Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Screenplay, and Directing) and a few others that spark my interest.
So I present to you hear, Dear Reader, the completely baseless 2013 Academy Award predictions, brought to you by The Dukes Playground.
Beasts Of The Southern Wild
Life Of Pi
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
I’m gonna have to go for Argo on this one. Argo was a fucking awesome movie, and is picking up a whole bunch of awards from other shows. And how can you not dig Affleck’s Ellis from Die Hard look? Yep, this one should go to Argo.
Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln
Hugh Jackman for Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix for The Master
Denzel Washington for Flight
The safe money is probably on Daniel Day-Lewis for this one, but Lincoln was a boring movie, even though Daniel Day-Lewis killed it. So I have to go for Joaquin Phoenix in The Master. His performance is funny, sad, genuine, just perfect. Hell, he deserves to win just for this scene alone:
Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva for Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis for Beasts Of The Southern Wild
Naomi Watts for The Impossible
Ok, Dear Reader, I’ll be honest. I haven’t seen a single one of these movies, so I have no fucking clue. Everyone seems to be saying Jennifer Lawrence will take this one, but I’m going to go with Naomi Watts in The Impossible for this category. Why? Because I loved Mulholland Drive, and I hated The Hunger Games. It’s not a great reason, but hey, it’s probably a better tactic for selection than what the people who actually vote for the winners must use, considering some of the horrible winners we’ve had in the past. I’m looking at you, Shakespeare In Love.
Michael Haneke for Amour
Benh Zeitlin for Beasts Of The Southern Wild
Ang Lee for Life Of Pi
Steven Spielberg for Lincoln
David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook
The fact that Affleck wasn’t nominated for Argo is simply digusting, so I honestly don’t give a fuck about this category. I’m just going with David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook because the guy has a famously short temper, and I’d hate for him to get up on the stage and beat the shit out of whoever beats him. Actually scratch that, that might make the show fun to watch for once…
Steven Spielberg for Best Director!
Best Original Screenplay
Michael Haneke for Amour
Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained
John Gatins for Flight
Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola for Moonrise Kingdom
Mark Boal for Zero Dark Thirty
This one is a no-brainer. It has to be Quentin Tarantino. Say what you want about his movies, the mother fucker know how to write, and how to entertain. Besides, you don’t want to make the Coke Wizard that tells Quentin what to do angry…
And the rest…
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained. Christoph Waltz could film himself eating a sandwich, and he would deserve an Oscar. The guy is incredible.
Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams for The Master. An understated performance. Deserves a nod.
Best Animated Feature Film: ParaNorman. Aside from Brave, which is one of the few movies Pixar missed the mark on, this is a tough category. I think Frankenweenie might just get the win, but I would have to go with ParaNorman. It was funny, it was scary, it had heart, but most importantly, it had fucking balls. Considering it’s the first mainstream children’s animated film to have an openly gay character, it deserves the Oscar just for showing some fucking guts.
Best Original Song: “Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from Ted, by Walter Murphy & Seth MacFarlane, performed by Norah Jones. Yep, the guy who created Family Guy of all things, is nominated for an Oscar. And you know what? I think he should win. Ted was actually a really fucking good movie. Funny as hell, and it had a beautiful story. And this song, as sung by Norah Jones, is just gorgeous.
Best Animated Short Film: Paperman. This was shown in theatres in front of Wreck-It Ralph, and I absolutely loved it. It has no dialogue, is only about 5 minutes long, and still manages to tell a very sweet love story.
Best Adapted Screenplay: David Magee for Life Of Pi. The movie had its flaws to be sure, and the ambiguity didn’t translate to screen as well as one would hope, but David Magee still managed to take a book that most people would have said was unfilmable, and managed to turn it into a pretty compelling screenplay.
Well that’s it from me, Dear Reader. Who do you think will be winning all the big awards on the night? Or, more importantly, do you even give a fuck? Hit me up in the comments, and let’s discuss this shit.