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I’m sure that, by now, most of you would have heard of Fifty Shades Of Shit Grey, the ridiculously popular novel by British author EL James. I must say from the beginning, Dear Reader, that I have not actually read the book, or its two sequels (forming a trilogy, of course, because everything has to be in a fucking trilogy these days, it seems), so I can’t really comment on the quality of the content, but I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say this:

A piece of Twilight fan-fiction written by a woman writing under the pen name “Snowqueens Icedragon” does not, under any circumstances, deserve to be one of the best-selling books of all time.

It’s already bad enough that we can’t escape fucking Twilight itself, now we have to suffer through bored housewives with shitty sex lives fantasising about what Bella and Edward do to each other with their genitals, writing about it, and having not only a select group of people wanting to read it, but massive amounts of people wanting to read it. As my title says, I weep for the future. There’s thousands and thousands of people out there working their arses off, trying to get original ideas published, trying to give people something new and exciting to absorb, and this trash becomes a fucking best-seller.

Have people lost the ability to think for themselves, to try and seek out something fresh and interesting instead of what they’re told to enjoy? It says a lot about us culturally that we need the words “NOW A MAJOR FILM FROM WARNER BROTHERS”, or “FROM THE PUBLISHER WHO BROUGHT YOU TWILIGHT” for something to get any attention from what has become a spoon-fed, zombie-like public. Is there something I’m missing here?

It reminds me of something I’ve written about previously here at The Dukes Playground, the undeserved popularity of Jersey Shore. In that article, I spoke of how Jersey Shore was just a fad, but the way it and other things like it are consumed by the public will never go away. In other words, the same people who are wasting their time on Jersey Shore will see the error of their ways and stop watching, but just replace it with some other piece of shit. The same applies here. The shine is starting to wear off the Twilight series, and the fans need somewhere to go. What better than a book that started off as an internet-posted piece about Edward’s penis and Bella’s pussy?

There’s nothing wrong with the existence of Fifty Shades Of Grey. But there IS something wrong with it becoming the fastest selling paperback of all time. There IS something wrong with EL James being named by Time magazine as one of the 100 most influential people in the world. There IS something wrong with the Fifty Shades trilogy consuming the top 4 spots on the USA Today Best-Selling Books list by itself. In short, there’s something wrong with humanity at the moment.

Of course, to milk the tit that is the Fifty Shades trilogy nice and quick before the milk goes sour, there is already a film adaptation being shopped around, because just in case you believe the public can’t get any dumber, there can’t be a popular book without a shitty movie to go with it, to get some money out of the people who are interested in the concept of the series, but are too stupid to pick up a fucking book once in awhile. Angelina Jolie has expressed interested in directing, and Bret Easton Ellis, the legendary author of such books as Lunar Park, The Rules Of Attraction, and of course, American Psycho, tweeted that he was interested in taking a shot at the screenplay, further proof of how insane the man has become.

I implore you, don’t buy these books. Don’t see the inevitable movies. Take your hard-earned money, and give it to someone who deserves it more. Don’t waste your money on this shit. Come on, fellow humans, we can do better.