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Dear Reader, I’ve made a huge mistake. Why the FUCK did I actually go to my local video store, lay down some hard earned money, go back home, pop this poor excuse for a movie into my DVD player, and waste 91 whole minutes of my life watching this terrible piece of fucking shit? Actually, I know why. I thought to myself “Hey, everyone may be saying this movie is terrible, but it’s very easy and cliché to take the piss out of Adam Sandler movies, there’s no way it can be THAT bad, right? Right?” Man, was I wrong.

I’m not even going to bother going into a full synopsis of Jack And Jill, because I strongly suggest you avoid this movie, but I will say briefly that the movie is about identical twins Jack and Jill (natch), both played by Adam Sandler. Jack is the successful, arrogant twin, and Jill is the whiny, annoying twin. Racial stereotypes and fart jokes ensue. Credits. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

Ladies and gentlemen, way back in 1994 I sat through an awful Charlie Sheen movie called Terminal Velocity. It was the worst movie I had ever seen in its entirety, and I thought that fact would never change. For 18 years, it has not been beaten. Now, we have a new champion. This is easily the worst movie I have ever seen. It’s meant to be a comedy, but it’s not funny. It’s also racist, confused, filled with shitty puns, just an all-round fucking mess.

Let’s get a couple of positives out of the way. The movie does have a great supporting cast, although you can’t help but feel sorry for them for being in this piece of shit. More on that later. And I did get a few laughs out of the movie. But when I say a few, I mean a few. 3 to be exact. A look that ‘Funbucket’ (played by the great Norm Macdonald) gives Jill when they go out on a date. A confused voicemail message from Jill late into the movie. And finally, one big, genuine laugh, came with this screenshot below:

The slow push-in to Al Pacino, who clearly does not want to be recognised, actually gave me a good laugh. So well done to Jack And Jill on that one. But trust me, these are the only positives you’re going to get.

I cannot stress enough how bad this movie is. The fact that it won in all 10 categories at the most recent Razzies (a first in the 32 years it’s ran) should come as no surprise to anyone who’s seen this. I’ve written here before at The Dukes Playground about how shit Adam Sandler is for the most part, and predicting that this movie would sweep the Razzies. I was right. As I said earlier, it’s very easy to rip on Adam Sandler’s work, which can sometimes be unfair. Grown Ups, for example, was not a good movie, but was it terrible? Not at all. Mediocre, sure, but not terrible. But fuck, Jack And Jill deserves every word of hate thrown its way.

The fact that this movie is confused is an understatement. It appears that its meant to be a movie for kids in some respects, with things like fart jokes, poo jokes, a donkey getting crushed by Jill due to her size, Adam Sandler’s trademark stupid baby voice, just real cheesy bullshit, you know, stuff kids like. But if it was made for kids, having Al Pacino starring as himself, and through him having references to Scarface and fucking Shakespeare? Come on, no kid is gonna get that. And there’s some stuff in there that really isn’t for kids, like alcohol and sexual innuendos, even having Jill refer to two women talking to Jared Fogle from the Subway commericals (why the fuck is he in this?) as hookers, so I don’t know. Confused. I think the demographic they’re really trying to reach is anyone with an IQ below 70. Or maybe stoners? Stoners like almosy anything, but even Jack And Jill might be a reach.

The movie is also filled with lots and lots of casual racism. The character of Jill is basically one gigantic Jewish stereotype, a fact that the movie seems to be very proud of. The movie also spends a lot of time making fun of Mexicans. Jack’s gardener Felipe (played by Eugenio Derbez) constantly makes jokes about crossing the border into America in the boot of a car, stealing the wallets of white people, how Mexicans all basically have the same name, and so on. And then they try to justify this shit by having Felipe exclaim “I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” after every racist remark. Jill delivers this 2-for-1 poo joke and racist joke after eating Mexican food for the first time:

It’s not you — it’s the chimichangas! They’re making a run for the border.

Charming. There’s even some bits of subtle racism directed at Jack’s adopted Indian son. Isn’t that nice?

Then there’s the product placement. And oh boy, Dear Reader, there is a lot of product placement. They think they can get away with it too, considering that the character of Jack is an advertising executive, so of course he’s going to be around heaps of well-known products. But even so, it’s so fucking extreme, it borders on ridiculous. And Adam Sandler is no stranger to the concept, that’s for sure. Look at Happy Gilmore and his obsession with Subway. Or Little Nicky and Popeyes Chicken.Jack And Jill has massive bits for Pepto-Bismol, Coca-Cola, fuck, one of the major plot points is the fact that Jack needs to convince Al Pacino to star in a commercial for Dunkin’ Donuts! COME ON!

Now that I’ve brought up Al Pacino, I have to say, what in the hell was he doing in this movie? I can only think that Sandler has pictures of him doing something he shouldn’t, and blackmailed him into being part of this piece of shit. As for the rest of the cast, a lot of Sandler’s regular crew are here, then you have people like Katie Holmes playing Jack’s wife, who is given nothing to do, so you might as well have cast a nobody for the role. Norm Macdonald, one of my favourite comedians, also is given little to work with, which is a real shame. Then there’s the endless celebrity cameos, including Johnny Depp, wearing a fucking Justin Bieber shirt! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

This must be Al Pacino waving his career goodbye.

I thought after the self-referential jokes in Funny People about the kinds of movies that Adam Sandler is known for, this shit would be over. But it looks like it’s only getting worse. But you know what, I’ve just had an epiphany. Maybe Jack And Jill is intended to be a commentary on Sandler’s career. Maybe Jill is designed to represent the worst that Adam Sandler is known for, and the kind of shit that he gets pissed on for, and Jack represents both the audience that hates his films, and Adam Sandler himself, looking at his career choices and being disgusted with himself. Do you think that’s possible? Nah, probably not. But if it were, now that would be kind of impressive.

Honestly, I could go on further about this fucking heap of garbage, but you and I both have lives to get back to. But I’ll leave you with a couple of thoughts. First off, it’s a lot more fun writing about movies you hate than ones you love, as you can probably judge by the length of this review, which almost makes up for having to watch this shit. Almost. And secondly, right at the end of the movie, Al Pacino sees his Dunkin’ Donuts for the first time, and says to Jack:

Burn this. This must never be seen. By anyone. All copies mus be destroyed!

The same should be said for the whole fucking movie.

1/4 out of 5. Terrible.