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So I see that AskMen has their new “Top 99 Women” list out for 2012. I’ve always been interested in these sorts of lists, because it reminds me that my idea of what’s sexy and what the general public thinks is sexy is usually very different. If you go through this year’s list, there’s some fine choices there to be sure (and their No. 1 is Sofia Vergara, nice).

Then you get further down the list, and that’s when things start to get ugly. Rooney Mara at No.3? Lady fucking Gaga at No. 18? Kristen Stewart, Nicole Scherzinger, Pippa Middleton? At least Megan Fox has dropped all the way to No. 96.

It’s actually Megan Fox more than anybody else who inspired this post. It was only a few short years ago that FHM, so some fucking reason, believed she was the sexiest woman alive. Me, I don’t see it. When did the trashy look become sexy to the public? I didn’t get that memo. At least the public has short attention spans. Since she got dumped from Transformers 3 in 2010, she hasn’t been in the public eye as much, and suddenly that’s enough to make her less appealing.

The thing about the AskMen list too is that it’s up to public vote. Over a million people voted for the most recent list, which for me, makes the fact that Lady Gaga of all people cracked the Top 20 even more abhorrent. I can forgive that everybody has different tastes, and Lady Gaga therefore would appeal to some people, but over 1 million putting her that high? I worry for the future sometimes.

THIS is sexy? REALLY?

It’s time for somebody to take a stand against this ridculous conception of sex appeal. Dear Reader, that somebody is going to be me. Without further ado, in no particular order, here is the REAL top 5 sexiest women in the world, bought to you by The Dukes Playground.

NIGELLA LAWSON

It has been said that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If that’s true, then Nigella Lawson has found into both the hearts and the dreams of all men. She has been hosting her own series of cooking shows since 1999, beginning with Nigella Bites, and in all those years on television has caused many a man to drool in front of their television, and not just because of the food. The daughter of a former Chancellor, she has a very charming personality, and a very sexy English accent. She’s got killer curves, she can cook up a storm, and, at 52 years old, still looks better than most women in the media half her age. You can check out her website here, and for those of us with a silly sensibility, here’s a video of clips of Nigella edited together to make her sound like a filthy minx.

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

Christina Hendricks, star of hit show Mad Men, is part of a very rare breed, sexy redheads (there’s also Isla Fisher, I guess). She’s also the kind of woman that other women would name when asked who they think is sexy, winning “sexiest woman alive” when 10,000 women were surveyed for Esquire magazine. She has been called a “throwback” to the glory days of Hollywood glamour, and compared to the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell and Veronica Lake. Another thing that makes her so sexy is that she is a real lover of scotch, a drink I am very fond of myself.

Here she is pouring herself a nice glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label. Delicious.

TINA FEY

Funny is sexy. Plain and simple. Call me sexist, but the pool of funny women is quite small. They are out there, though, and the cream of the crop is Tina Fey. She’s smart, talented, funny, and very beautiful. Starting her career as a writer for Saturday Night Live in 1997, and in only two years, became the head writer, the first female to reach the position. She began performing on the show in 2000, and her combination of good looks and good laughs was well received. She has since gone on to create and star in mega hit show 30 Rock.

It also helps that I have a bit of a thing for women with glasses. Glasses are hot, what can I say?

SOFIA VERGARA

OK, so the voters over at AskMen did get something right. Colombian siren Sofia Vergara is fucking gorgeous. She is best known for her work on Modern Family as Gloria, where even the characters on the show can’t stop making comments about how sexy she is. Not only is she stunning to look at, she has incredible comic timing and delivery, and like I said about Tina Fey, funny is sexy. She also famously fulfilled a promise that if Modern Family won an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series in 2010, she would run naked down Sunset Boulevard. Who among us wouldn’t have liked to have been there for that?

This GIF image of her on Modern Family is hypnotic. It’s hard to look away… but there’s still one woman left to add to this list, so we must push on!

NICKI MINAJ

At only 29 years old, Nicki Minaj is the youngest woman on my list. But what a career she’s already having! Her debut album was released on November 19, 2010, and yet she’s already breaking records. Nicki became the first artist in history to have seven singles on the Billboard Hot 100 at the same time. She hasn’t been around for long, but she is already making a huge mark on the world of hip-hop, and music in general. Not since Missy Elliot has a female hip-hop artist had such a big impact. She even appeared on stage at the halftime show for the 2012 Super Bowl!

Dat ass...

This woman has an amazing fucking body. She is all tits and arse. Her curves are just wonderful. But aside from how hot she is. She’s able to back it up with real fucking talent. While many other female artists only have their sex appeal to rely on, and can only hope that they have a good team of writers and producers behind them to help them sell albums, Nicki Minaj has got chops. If you can listen to her verse on Kanye West’s Monster without getting a chill down your spine, then you’re a stronger person than me.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

I’m sure you, Dear Reader, like me, are not stupid. You understand that the sexiest women in the world aren’t necessarily going to be big stars. The 5 women mentioned above were chosen because they are in the media, and I want to highlight the women in the media that should be considered the sexiest, unlike Lady Gaga, for example, who looks like some vomit in a weird dress.

With that being said, I would like to give credit to some of the sexy women out there who aren’t world famous, but deserve to be here because they are very, very hot.

Regular readers of this site would know that I have worked with Lacey Warner, pictured above, on quite a few shoots in the past. This picture happens to be from one of them. There are a lot of sexy women out there, Dear Reader, you’ve just got to keep an eye out.

Once again, here is a link to Lacey’s Facebook page, and some links to the Facebook pages of some other sexy and talented models.

Little Miss Violence
Jocelyn Lothian
Ashleigh Fischer